Each year, many Vancouver residents experience burnout. While causes like long work hours are well known causes of burnout, there can be personality factors that also contribute. Have you ever consider that excessive “people pleasing” could contribute to burnout?
What is excessive people pleasing
Excessive people pleasing is a behavior characterized by an overwhelming desire to satisfy others’ needs and expectations, often at the expense of one’s own well-being and priorities. Individuals who engage in excessive people pleasing frequently seek external validation and fear rejection or disappointment, which drives them to prioritize others’ preferences over their own. They can have difficulty saying “no,” and may go to great lengths to ensure others are happy, even if it requires sacrificing their own time, resources, and emotional energy.
This behavior often stems from a deep-seated need for approval and a belief that one’s self-worth is tied to how well they are perceived by others. People pleasers might find themselves in a cycle of over-commitment, taking on tasks and responsibilities that they may not be genuinely interested in or capable of managing effectively. This can lead to stress, burnout, and a sense of unfulfillment, as the individual’s own goals and desires are consistently sidelined.
In social interactions, excessive people pleasers may exhibit a high level of agreeableness, often avoiding conflict and confrontation. They may struggle with assertiveness, finding it challenging to express their true thoughts and feelings. As a result, their relationships can become imbalanced, with others potentially taking advantage of their accommodating nature. The inability to set boundaries can lead to resentment and frustration, as they continually put others first. Over time, excessive people pleasing can erode self-esteem and contribute to mental health challenges, as the individual’s sense of identity becomes increasingly dependent on external affirmation.
How excessive people pleasing contrasts with ordinary agreeableness
Ordinary agreeableness is a personality trait characterized by cooperative, warm, and friendly behavior that facilitates positive social interactions and relationships. People with a high degree of agreeableness tend to be empathetic, have a genuine concern for others, and strive to maintain harmony in their interactions. They are generally supportive and capable of striking a balance between asserting their own needs and accommodating the needs of others. This balance allows them to foster mutually beneficial relationships without compromising their authenticity or sense of self.
In contrast, agreeableness allows for healthy boundaries. An agreeable person can say “no” when necessary, ensuring their personal values and priorities are respected. They are capable of engaging in constructive disagreements, understanding that occasional conflicts are a natural and healthy aspect of relationships. Agreeableness revolves around a genuine desire to cooperate, but it does not come at the expense of one’s own beliefs or well-being.
In summary, ordinary agreeableness is marked by the ability to build harmonious relationships through empathetic and cooperative interaction, maintaining a balance between one’s needs and the needs of others. It involves a healthy level of self-assurance and boundary-setting, ensuring that relationships are nurturing and authentic without leading to self-sacrifice or compromised values.
Excessive people pleasing can manifest as an individual constantly prioritizing others’ needs over their own, to their detriment. Consider Sarah, a dedicated employee who frequently finds herself overwhelmed by work deadlines. Despite being swamped with her projects, she habitually agrees to take on additional tasks from colleagues, fearing potential conflict or disappointment. This behavior extends beyond work as she also overcommits to social activities, never declining invitations. As a result, Sarah sacrifices her personal time and well-being. Her anxiety mounts as she struggles to balance her commitments, often neglecting her health and personal relationships. In Sarah’s case, her excessive people-pleasing stems from a deep-seated need for approval and acceptance from others. This ultimately impairs her ability to assert her own boundaries, leading to burnout and resentment. Such behavior highlights the importance of self-awareness and setting healthy boundaries to maintain one’s mental and emotional well-being.
Why excessive people pleasing can contribute to burnout
- Neglecting Personal Needs
Consistently prioritizing others’ needs over your own can lead to neglect of personal well-being. When individuals obsessively seek to fulfill others’ expectations or demands, they often disregard their own physical and emotional requirements. This self-neglect can manifest in inadequate rest, poor nutrition, and insufficient self-care routines. Over time, the accumulation of unmet personal needs can wear down an individual’s resilience and capacity to cope with stress, paving the way for burnout. Operating on the premise that their worth is tied to others’ approval, people-pleasers may push themselves to exhaustion, ultimately losing touch with what they genuinely need to thrive. Without adequate attention to self-care, the body and mind become depleted, leading to chronic fatigue and decreased productivity.
- Emotional Overload
Excessive people pleasing often results in an overwhelming emotional burden, as individuals constantly monitor and gauge others’ reactions to ensure acceptance and approval. This continuous state of heightened emotional vigilance can be exhausting, as they tend to absorb and internalize others’ emotions and stressors. This habit of prioritizing others’ feelings over one’s own can result in emotional strain, where individuals may suppress their true emotions to maintain harmony or avoid conflict. Over time, this suppression can lead to anxiety, irritability, and a sense of disconnection from one’s authentic self, contributing to emotional burnout. Moreover, when people-pleasers fail to achieve the desired validation or appreciation, they may experience feelings of rejection and inadequacy, further exacerbating their emotional distress.
- Boundary Erosion
Individuals who excessively people-please often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy personal boundaries. In their quest to satisfy others, they may disregard their limits, taking on more responsibilities than they can manage. This often stems from a fear of disappointment or rejection, propelling individuals to say “yes” when they mean “no.” Over time, this behavior erodes one’s sense of autonomy and control over their life, as they become overwhelmed with tasks and responsibilities that do not align with their personal goals or values. The constant sacrifice of personal boundaries can lead to resentment, fatigue, and disorientation, as people-pleasers lose sight of their own identity amidst the chaos of attending to others. This persistent disregard for personal boundaries is a significant contributor to burnout, as it denies individuals the necessary space and time to recharge and reflect on their own needs.
- Imbalance in Relationships
People-pleasers are prone to fostering imbalanced relationships where they consistently give more than they receive. This dynamic can lead to feelings of being undervalued and taken for granted, as people-pleasers often align their self-worth with their ability to cater to others. Over time, this imbalance erodes personal satisfaction and fulfillment, as the individual’s contributions and efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated. Additionally, this type of dynamic may attract individuals who exploit or manipulate, further perpetuating the cycle of people pleasing and emotional exhaustion. As these one-sided relationships progress, people-pleasers may become isolated, harboring feelings of loneliness and frustration, ultimately contributing to burnout. By constantly focusing on fulfilling others’ needs, they miss out on building mutually supportive and nourishing relationships that can act as a buffer against stress.
Why its important to recognize the connection between people pleasing and burnout
Failing to recognize the connection between excessive people pleasing and burnout can have several detrimental effects on an individual’s well-being. When one is caught in a cycle of trying to meet everyone’s expectations, it can lead to an overwhelming sense of obligation and stress. This constant pressure to satisfy others detracts from personal time, resulting in prolonged periods of exhaustion and depletion of energy reserves. Over time, this neglect of personal needs can erode one’s mental health, potentially leading to anxiety and depression due to the inability to disconnect from the demands of pleasing those around them.
Additionally, failure to acknowledge this link can hinder self-awareness and personal growth. Individuals may lose touch with their own desires and goals as they prioritize the needs and desires of those around them, leading to a diminished sense of self-identity. This disconnection may prevent individuals from pursuing their own passions or career objectives, ultimately affecting their professional life as well. Relationships can also suffer because the lack of authentic interactions might lead to resentment or a feeling of being undervalued by others.
In the long run, neglecting this connection may lead to a reduced quality of life as the individual becomes increasingly unable to manage their own physical, mental, and emotional well-being. By not addressing the link between people pleasing and burnout, one might miss the opportunity to develop healthier boundaries and coping mechanisms, which are essential for sustaining a balanced and fulfilling lifestyle.
How counselling helps with excessive people pleasing and burnout
Counseling is a powerful tool for individuals grappling with the detrimental effects of excessive people-pleasing and the accompanying risk of burnout. By engaging in structured conversations with a trained professional, individuals can delve into the underlying roots of their behaviors and begin to identify and reshape patterns that have become detrimental to their well-being.
One of the fundamental ways counseling assists in addressing people-pleasing tendencies is by fostering self-awareness. Through various therapeutic techniques, clients can explore the origins of their need to appease others, recognizing how past experiences or ingrained beliefs contribute to their current behaviors. Therapists often use cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help clients understand the connection between their thoughts and actions, assisting them in challenging and changing unhelpful thought patterns.
Moreover, counseling provides a safe and supportive environment for individuals to learn and practice assertiveness skills. People pleasers often struggle with setting healthy boundaries, which is essential to prevent burnout. In therapy, clients can role-play scenarios where they practice saying no or expressing their needs without guilt or fear of rejection. This newfound ability to assert oneself can significantly reduce stress levels, leading to improved mental health and resilience against burnout.
Additionally, counseling can help individuals develop coping strategies to manage stress and recharge their emotional batteries. Techniques such as mindfulness, relaxation exercises, and stress management skills taught in therapy can become valuable tools in combating burnout. These techniques empower individuals to create time for self-care, prioritizing their own needs alongside others’, which is crucial in maintaining a balanced and fulfilling life.
Empathy and validation are also key components of the counseling process. For people pleasers, a counselor’s acceptance and non-judgmental approach can be incredibly healing. It allows clients to express fears and anxieties that they have suppressed, often for fear of disappointing others. This expression, paired with professional guidance, can lead to profound insights and transformative changes.
Finally, counseling encourages personal growth by helping individuals outline and pursue goals that align with their authentic selves, rather than merely striving to meet external expectations. Clients are guided in discovering what truly fulfills them and are supported in making choices that honor their values and aspirations, which can reduce the compulsion to put others’ needs above their own.
Counseling plays a critical role in addressing excessive people-pleasing and safeguarding against burnout by promoting self-awareness, assertiveness, stress management, and personal growth. Through these therapeutic avenues, individuals learn to nurture a healthier relationship with themselves and those around them, leading to a more harmonious and sustainable life balance.
Conclusion
If you’re living in Vancouver and would like to explore these themes with a professional, consider reaching out to a counsellor to discuss how counselling could help you.